My "Dark Passenger" and me
New Beginnings
Hello people, I hope we are all well today.
I realise that I haven't posted in a while and I would like to explain why, if that's alright?
I have been taking some time out to reflect on my illness, why I have ended up in the pit once again and I have realised something. The only person who can help me out of this dark and dreary place, is me.
I have a choice. Either I can continue feeling hopeless and keep on digging, or I can do something about it and fight back.
Believe it or not, we all have the strength within us to fight. It may not feel like it and it may seem impossible, but we do. Getting out of bed in the morning is fighting. Making ourselves go into work when we don't feel we have the energy is fighting. Doing the chores around the house is fighting. The smallest of things that may seem humungus at the time will start to shrink the more you push and exert yourself. If you act confident (even if you feel like crumbling yourself up into a ball) you will, in turn, become more confident.
I'm sure I have already mentioned, but I have been back at work for a while now, and although not all of the problems I encountered have gone away, I have started to become more assertive (hard as this is for me!) Our team are finally heading in the right direction, which, I think, has boosted morale, and are starting to achieve goals we have set out for ourselves. Me included.
Again, without going too much into my job, I can say that I successfully managed and closed a case on my own (obviously with the team, but me as the lead nurse) and I can't tell you how amazing that felt. To know I had made a difference, to know that I had helped, to know that I CAN do my job, is priceless.
With that, came more self-esteem, which, in turn, made me feel more positive about myself and my general development in my career.
As well as this, Dave and I have been building and getting closer. He is actually beginning to think about a future with me, which, a year ago, would never have happened.
Again, my self-esteem, self-worth and confidence has grown. I have always dreamed of a future with Dave, but due to his own demons, this was not something he was willing to discuss. Now, for whatever reason, this feels achievable.
I had my first Staff Counselling session today and I actually think the guy was taken a-back at what I had to say.
Yes, I vented. I aired my concerns and what I thought had impacted on my mental health, but I went with goals. Things I would like to improve on and develop. Assertiveness being the key aspect.
Assertiveness is the ability to be confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views. My issue being that I struggle to do so when I am faced with an aggressive person. Weirdly, I do not have this issue when dealing with patients (though it has happened!), my issue is with co-workers. I find it very difficult to "fight my own corner" or "stand up for myself" when someone is shouting, being negative (criticising in an unconstructive manner) or belittling/humiliating me. Although this shouldn't happen but often does, I feel that if I became more assertive, I could implement this in all aspects of my life.
The counsellor was surprised but happy that I had clear, achievable goals and I think these sessions are going to greatly benefit my confidence.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, today felt like a new beginning for me. The restart button has been pressed and I feel as if I am ready to make a change.
Be proud that you have made it through another day. Be proud that you are fighting back, even if it is small to begin with. Be proud of being you.
When you are ready, you will understand the feeling I had today, and I hope that day will come to you all soon, as it is like a weight has been lifted and I am now ready for the uphill climb.
For today though, I hope you all have a lovely day beautiful people!
~ x X x ~
