Sleep

My "Dark Passenger" And Me.

Sleep.

Good evening/morning all! I hope you are all well! 

So, it seems that my first post has gone alright, which is good, seeing as I'm a 'Blog Virgin'! 

I said in my first post that I have spent all day in bed today and I feel I should elaborate on that, considering some of my close family and friends are supporting me through this. 

Today I have been having a "down day" (as I describe it). I woke up at 5am this morning feeling very sick and had to run to the toilet to throw up. I was up and down from 5am until around 11am being sick then spent the rest of the day half feeling sorry for myself and half not really wanting to see anyone. 

I currently stay with my partner, Dave, who teaches guitar (check out DLM Industries on Facebook!) and there were people coming in and out of the house all day, which kind of went in my favour, as it was an excuse to hide myself away in the bedroom. 

I have spent a majority of my day either sleeping/over-thinking - which I think are 2 issues I have struggled with for many years, specifically since I qualified as a Mental Health Nurse in 2010.

Right now, I am going through a phase of not sleeping at night - whether this is due to over-thinking or genuinely not being tired is debatable. I am also currently having problems with my knee and back, which also may be playing a part in frequently waking up during the night. 

I have been to the doctors regarding this and have tried every trick under the sun! Medication had no effect, neither has milky drinks, appliances being turned off, deep breathing, exercise, writing my thoughts down etc. etc. etc. 

Again, everyone is different, so trying to suggest a strategy to tackle this problem is essentially like telling a monkey, and elephant and a horse to climb a tree! 

My plan for the next few days is to try to go to bed and sleep and re-set my body clock. Obviously this will not happen overnight (pun intended!) but the sheer fact that I am acknowledging the problem leads me to believe that I am aware something needs to change. 

It, unfortunately, is just one of those things. One of those phases I go through every few months, same as my 'down days' come and go in phases. 

This, however, can make it èxtremely difficult to maintain work, relationships and friendships as well as making day to day tasks difficult to manage. 

Relationships are so fragile and it doesn't take much to rock the boat. I worry frequently about the effects of my "Dark Passenger" on my friends and family, particularly Dave, who is going through a tough time himself. 

Dave, although struggling through his own problems, always tells me to be open and honest with him. And I am, as much as I feel I can be. I'll tell him I'm having a 'down day' and he tends to leave me to it, with occasional cuddles and kisses for reassurance. I feel this is best for both of us because I don't want to burden him, but don't want him to worry that I'm shutting him out. Telling him I'm having a 'down day' makes him aware of my mood. Him leaving me to it is best for me, because I find it difficult to explain how I feel. Me trying to describe my feelings can often make me feel more anxious, so I would rather work through this on my own. It also means that he's not feeling frustrated with me for not being able to explain.

Friends and Family. Now here's a tricky one. Some understand, some don't. It can be so infuriating to be told "I don't understand why you're so sad, you've got everything!" I know I have a huge amount more than some people, and I am grateful for everything I have. But none of that matters when it comes to Mental Health. As I said in my previous post, it doesn't discriminate. 

I often feel guilty for being like this. I feel awful for my friends and family who have to see me isolate myself. It can be so difficult to explain that sometimes, when I am having 'down days' I need to be on my own. The idea that I am burdening them with my problems is terrifying to me. I want to be able to tell them that I love them but they need to give me some space. When I feel more aware of my situation, I will begin to build myself back up again. But in order for me to do that, I need to have time to process my emotions and work through the darkness. 

I think I am beginning to get more emotional during my rambles, which I don't want to happen as I would like this blog to be more informative than emotional, so on that note...

As for tonight, sleep sweet beautiful people!

~ x X x ~