Susi vs Anxiety

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Susi vs Anxiety.

I would like to tell you a story, my story. A story about strength, bravery and conquer. A story I have yearned to tell for many, many years.

I had just completed my second night shift out of three. It had taken me over an hour to get home due to traffic, a trip which usually takes under 20 minutes. I was tired, cold and wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed with my gorgeous man and snuggle. 

I arrived home to discover Dave, sitting on the doorstep. He had also been on night shift and half-way through his home journey, discovered that he had forgotten his keys. A devastating feeling at the best of times, but after night shift? A catastrophe! He was sat there, hood up, shivering and looking defeated. My heart ached as I cuddled him. The guilt I felt knowing that he had been tirelessly waiting on my return to finally achieve the goal we both desired, was overwhelming.

Alas, we made our way inside, excited about the prospect of a hot drink and our warm bed. Usually I unwind with a non-stimulating programme requiring no brain power. My programme of choice this cold autumn morning was Hollyoaks : Come Dine With Me. It felt rather homely sitting together, cuddled up on the couch, watching day-time TV, but at the same time, out of the norm to be doing so at 08:30 in the morning. Just as the break came, the sound of the doorbell woke us from our comfort and jolted us both back into reality.

"Fuck!" Exclaimed Dave, " I forgot I have a guitar lesson to do this morning!"

The thought of going to bed alone was devastating, but knowing that the money he would earn would help us to last a few more days was enough for me to forgive the emotional trauma Dave had inflicted upon me.

I went through to the kitchen to have my last cigarette before bed. Our kitchen tends to catch the spirit of the seasons, becoming an oven in spring and summer, and a fridge in Autumn and winter. This morning it was particularly cold, so I fumbled around and found warmth in one of Dave's hoodies. As I sat there, feeling like a zombie, scrolling through my phone, listening to the minor arpeggios through the walls, a sudden feeling took over me.

This feeling will be familiar to some, like you're not alone. Like someone or something is watching you. It is a rather unnerving and torturous feeling that can end in a positive or negative way. 

Then, it came. The noise. The sound that everybody dreads. Always hoping for a fly but knowing in your heart that it is something else. 

I looked around the room, feeling the panic overwhelm me, and as I turned, I discovered the beast. A wasp. For those who don't know me, I am completely and utterly terrified to my core of these horrible insects. I genuinely have a rather big phobia of them, and cannot be in the same room as them. I have been known to run out in the middle of a hand over at the sight of one.

Usually I would be shouting for Dave whilst running as fast as Usain Bolt to get as far away as physically possible from the rechid creature, but not today. Nope. Not today.

Now I don't know what it was, or why I felt strong enough to do this; perhaps my assertiveness modules, my stress resolution training, or my sheer and utter pissed off mood that I was in. Whichever way, I felt the need to confront my fears. 

I searched for a piece of paper, it felt like hours doing so until I found a meaningless scrap that would not matter if used in the murderous act I was about to commit. It took all of my energy (which was already pretty low, but the adrenaline helped a lot) and some deep breathing before using my entire strength to push the scrap of paper towards the window, quickly, so I didn't miss.

I smooshed it.

Feeling rather brave and quite excited about my achievement, I quoted one of my all time favourite films.

"Don't mess with the bull, you'll get the horns." - The Breakfast Club.

Now, this may seem a little petty to you all, and rather childish, but for me, this was monumental. This may have even changed my life. Only time will tell. One thing I have to emphasise is to believe in yourself. You have tremendous strength and bravery in you, you just have to start believing it.