Support.

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Support

Good morning everyone, I hope you are all well?

Again, I would just like to thank those who are following for giving me the time to look after myself on my road to recovery. Last week I decided I was well enough to go back to work, which was extremely hard and nerve-wracking, but a decision I do not regret.

This leads nicely into the topic of this post, support.

I had actually already written and published a post regarding support, but decided to delete and rewrite it as it was written when I was emotional and somewhat angry, and that is not what I wanted my blog to be about.

Those living with depression can often feel completely cut off from the world around them. They know there are people in their lives who care for and love them, yet still feel isolated and lonely. 

Sometimes, the more people tell you they are there for you, the worse you feel, because you don't want to drag them down with you and/or push them away. 

When I went back to work I had a number of people supporting me, wishing me luck and asking for me to let them know how it went. This, on one hand, was very moving, knowing that people were thinking about me and wishing me well. But on the other hand was quite overpowering. I felt that I had to do well in order to make them happy. That I had to push all of my woes to the side so that I could prove I was capable of doing my job. 

This is something I like to call 'concealer wellness'. Presenting yourself in such a way that does not reflect your inner thoughts and feelings. 

Of course, I knew I would feel anxious, that was to be expected after having been off for a period of time, but I don't think I was prepared for how anxious I would be. Although I could go off on a tangent here, I think I will save this for a later date.

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful mother, who regularly checked in on me and seemed to manage to make light of such an overwhelming situation. She really has been my rock through all of this, and there is no possible way I could thank her for that.

However, it was actually one of my previous managers who provided me with the strength to fight my demons.

Once, we were talking about our inner strength. He might kill me for telling you all of this, but I once found a picture of him with tiger face paint on. From that moment onwards, I would refer to his fun, relaxed and happy side as 'Tiger Bruce'. Now I have probably mentioned this before, but I am a bit of a walking doormat. I struggle to stand up for myself and avoid confrontation at all costs. He started to refer to my assertive self as 'Panther Susi', which came about after a failed attempt of a joke relating to a Bill Bailey sketch. On my first day back he sent me a picture of a panther. Every single time I looked at that photo I remembered what I needed to be. Brave, assertive, powerful.

During one supervision, he began talking in jargon about my attitude towards work, and me being me, I told him to talk 'Susi Language' to make it a little easier to understand. He told me that everyone has a stash of happiness beans which they can share with people if they choose to, but I tend to give all of my happiness beans away and don't leave any for myself. Now that's Susi language! During my first week he sent me a picture of happiness beans dancing. This made me literally laugh out loud, the first time I had done so that entire week.

My point is, support can come in many shapes and forms, and it doesn't need to be those closest to you to make a difference. Be open to take support from anyone in your life, you might just be surprised at what will help. 

They say laughter is the best medicine. I suppose, in my case, it really is!

As for today, I hope you all have a wonderful day beautiful people! 

~ x X x ~