Panic Attacks

My 'Dark Passenger' And Me

Panic Attacks.

Good evening everyone, I hope we are all well. 

This post was going to be on stigma attached to Mental Health Conditions, however, after having a severe panic attack recently and after having discussed this with a few people I felt that this may be more beneficial right now. 

I have had a fair whack of these and they can be completely paralysing. I can count on my hand the 3 most traumatic attacks and 2 of them were work related. 

The most recent was the reason I posted my apology a few weeks ago. 

As I have already mentioned, I have been off work for a while now due to stress and the aim of this time off was to try and help me get myself back to where I was. Weird as it sounds coming from a Mental Health Nurse I seem to have this uncontrollable need to help others with their problems (I know, right?!) and as much as this is the key reason I wanted to be a Nurse, it is also a bit of a flaw. I can't seem to turn off this part of my brain, and even though I want to make myself better and KNOW I need to give myself some time, I can't help but be drawn to those in need. 

The previous month was meant to be about me getting better and it just turned into me putting my own problems on hold and focussing on helping others. 

The night I had the panic attack there were a few people who had approached me for advice. Unbeknown to them, Dave and I had had a disagreement of sorts and I could feel myself welling up, putting huge amounts of pressure on myself and quite simply exploding.

I ended up having a huge melt down. It started with being unable to catch my breath. My heart started to race and for some reason I felt extremely fearful. It felt like there was a hard ball in my chest and with every tear I faught off, the ball was getting bigger and bigger, pushing down on my heart and my lungs. My head started to pound, I could feel the sweat pouring off me and then it happened. I just exploded. What I can only describe as a whole lot of verbal diarrhoea spurted out of my mouth. 

At first it was sheer panic - I can't do this any more, I need to get away, I can't breathe, I need to go (where, I have no idea!) then came the anger towards others for not realising that I was struggling. The anger then turned to me for not telling people that I couldn't deal with more pressure right now. This quickly turned to guilt for being the way I was in front of Dave and for blaming other people when the person responsible is staring right back at me in the mirror. Lastly came the sorrow/hopelessness. I'm never going to get better, I might as well quit whilst I'm ahead. How am I going to help others if I can't help myself? 

I don't know how Dave managed to calm me down - if we're lucky he'll explain in the comments - it was all a bit of a blur to be honest. 

I posted the apology because I know that there are people who share some of the feeling I have described, and I didn't want them to think that I was giving up. It took me a while to realise it, but I am NOT giving up. 

I was down for a long time after that. I am grateful for my friends and family who realised that this was not because of them, I needed to be left alone. 

I needed time to get my head around what had happened and why. No-one intentionally put pressure on me but myself. I was deflecting. If I could help other people then I wouldn't have to deal with my own mess. I don't know how many times I have advised people to look after themselves before others. Dave explained it pretty accurately - it's like when you're on a plane and they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. If you don't, you could end up passing out and the others who needed help, won't get help. 

this habit I have of putting others before myself is a hard one to break, and I'm sure many of you will have similar problems. The main thing I have started to do is tell people that I don't think I am able to help them right now. You won't be seen as rude if you approach it right. All you have to say is "I'm sorry, but I can't think about this right now." THEY WILL UNDERSTAND! 

Before I go, I would just like to clarify that I am not angry at anyone. The stages I went through during the attack were just going through the motions. I love my friends and family dearly and am grateful that they have read my blog and have more of an understanding of what I am going through. 

For this evening though, I hope you have a wonderful evening beautiful people.

~ x X x ~