Pressure

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Pressure

Good morning everyone, I hope you are all well.

Apologies for the quiet spell over the last few days, Dave's sister was getting Married on Monday and as you can imagine, they have been rather eventful to say the least!

Which actually nicely leads me onto my next post - Pressure.

Now, we all have different pressures in every day life - work, home life, family, friends, relationships. The list could go on and on, and everyone, no matter who you are, will have been overwhelmed by pressures in their lives at one point or another. This is perfectly natural and can be overcome with some time and relaxation.

For people who suffer with Depression, every day pressures can become magnified and attempting to juggle numerous issues at one time can seem impossible.

Recently at work, my team have been under a significant amount of pressure. Obviously, due to legalities, I cannot explain the depth of these matters on here, but I am able to say that I have been struggling to keep myself as calm and collected as I should be. 

Outside of work, as I have mentioned in previous posts, life at home has been equally stressful. Dave and I have been fighting our own demons for some time and that appears to have caught up with us. 

I have lost all of my confidence and trust in my own abilities. What kind of Mental Health Nurse can struggle to the degree that I am struggling with? Surely I advise people day to day on how to cope with pressure and stress, why am I unable to take my own advice?

Have you ever heard the phrase "Doctors/Nurses make the worst patients"? It could not ring more true. 

I Cannot speak for everyone of course - but I do have some insight into my illness. I can tell that I am in need of support. It's a shame that it has gotten to this point before I recognised this, but I suppose that is the stubbornness in me. I felt like I was a failure if I saught help. Which really is silly considering I have been on antidepressants for years, have seen counsellors and have been to therapies before. But this time it felt so different. 

I realise now that I overwhelmed myself with a lot of things on purpose, to try and distract myself from the original problem - me.

I bought a house, I went on holiday, I got myself into a financial predicament, I stopped seeing my friends and family, I tried to 'fix' Dave on my own - all because I couldn't handle the fact that I, myself, was on a downwards spiral, and I didn't want to have to deal with that again. 

Owning a house is a fantastic achievement and I worked hard to be able to save enough to do so. For that, I am proud, but I bit off more than I could chew. I wasn't prepared. With a house, comes responsibility, house work, repairs, bills... I thought that I was ready for such a challenge - I wasn't. 

I planned finances down to a T - including the unlikely/unfortunate event that Dave and I split. I figured out that my wage alone could cover the bills and mortgage and I got myself a credit card to build a positive credit rating, using it only for petrol and paying it off the day after the purchase.

Things were going swimmingly until - for reasons I cannot go into - Dave and I began to struggle financially. We started to use the credit card more and more, and before we knew it, we had gotten into a large amount of debt, which continued to build with interest.

So, stresses at work, stresses at home obviously flooded into my relationship. Dave and I started to bicker more and more, to the point where we would not want to be together. He spent a lot of time engrossed in his music, and I, spent a lot of time in bed or on the couch appearing to be watching the television, however, my mind was not focussing on that. It was going round and round ways to fix things. 

The house started to get messy - to the point where I was actually embarrassed if people came around. This probably showed and friends probably began to feel uneasy around Dave and I due to the tension and the mess.

I didn't want to see people because I was so upset with myself. Although Dave would encourage me to go out and see people, I couldn't see it doing me or them any favours, so I cancelled plans. 

I had mentioned to my nearest and dearest about our financial struggles, but hadn't told anyone the full extent of the problems we were facing. Until, one way or another, my parents found out.

Eventually I broke down. I told them everything - as much as I wanted to to hold back, I knew there was no point in hiding any more. They needed to see the whole picture - Mental Health and all. 

I took some sick leave from work to sort myself out. As I explained, my mind wasn't in the job. I had lost faith in myself and my confidence was shattered. I was in no fit state to be looking after others. 

Dave also broke down. He got himself to the doctors, took some time off work and is also on the mend.

Sometimes you just don't realise how deep you are until you are pulled out.

What a weirdly enlightening experience this has been for me. I am now in the process of recovery. I am lucky to have such supportive family and friends who are helping me to build myself back to what I was. 

Pressures of every day life can seem so big when trying to manage alone. Try to open up. It doesn't need to be to everyone, just to one person. Seek help from your GP. They are not going to judge you for struggling to cope, they don't get paid for that. They get paid to help people. There are a lot of ways to mend yourself - counselling, talking therapies, CBT, medication etc. But I do have to say, what worked for me, may not work for you. Everyone is different and respond to different things. It doesn't need to be just one either, a combination of things can help with certain situations. The main thing I suggest is - Seek help. A problem shared truly is a problem halved.

This has been a reasonably tough thing to have to open up about, and I truly appreciate all of those who are reading this and sharing/commenting. To know that I have made the smallest bit of difference to someone else is humbling. For that, I am eternally grateful.

As for now, I hope you all have a lovely day beautiful people!

~ x X x ~

Loneliness

 My "Dark Passenger" And Me.

Loneliness.

Good afternoon beautiful people, I hope we are all well!

Today I decided to discuss the loneliness you develop when you suffer from Depression. This is something that is truly close to my heart as I know many others feel this way too, and I wanted to express that you are not alone. You may feel lonely and isolated, but believe me, you're not the first, and definitely won't be the last, to feel this way. 

I sometimes feel completely detached from society - like nobody sees the world the way I do. Everything seems to have a blue tint to it, things that people say to me are taken out of context and analysed then I begin to feel even more alone.

I suppose this may be to do with my training. I am trained to analyse sentences in a different way than it is portrayed - see the bigger picture - but when you are constantly feeling the negative effects of Depression, suddenly everything said to you has a nasty context. 

I take what people say and think way too much about it. Why have they said that? That's not a nice thing to say! I feel like I have no support from the ones I love, when realistically, I am twisting what they say in my own warped mind and plastering my negative emotions onto it.

This is when you start to feel alone. No one wants to be friends with someone who always sees the bad in people. No one wants to be around someone who constantly sees the world for what it is. You know those rose tinted glasses everyone goes on about? Flip that into a bluish black colour, that's what you're looking out of. (I realise that means average sunglasses, but think about the metaphor!)

Understandably when I am having my 'down days' I tend to snap at my family and friends when talking to them as I am not seeing what they're saying for what it is. People get hurt. I hate that. I hate that I hurt people when I am like this, and that's why I try to hide myself away. 

I don't mean to freeze them out, I just don't want to hurt them.

It does take me a few days (and a lot of Disney!) to get over this and see the sentences for what they really are. That's when I start to apologise. I'm sorry for snapping. I'm sorry for being so horrible. I'm sorry for being this way. 

I NEVER want to be the person that upsets others - that's not who I am. I don't mean to hurt people. I have not a malicious bone in my body. I have been brought up to respect and appreciate people. But I can't respect/appreciate myself. 

I suppose all that I can suggest here is to acknowledge your illness. Know what it means to feel extra sensitive and voice that to your nearest and dearest. Tell them that you are feeling like this before reading too much into the conversation. If you are feeling low and people are messaging you here there and everywhere and you KNOW that it's going to get on top of you, simply don't answer. People are not expecting an answer right away (and if they do, they're being unrealistic!) Give yourself time. Time to process how you are feeling, time to think of an action plan. Time to answer in an appropriate manner without snapping.

The best example I have of this is my dear wonderful mother, who I absolutely idolise. Recently, when I got accepted into a uni course which I was very excited about. She texted me and said something along the lines of "Looks good. Hard work though. Xxx" I took that as - I am not capable of doing the course, It is too much for me to handle. Of COURSE! She didn't mean it in that way, and I snapped at her. It took me a few hours to realise what I had done, and when I apologised and explained how I was feeling, she totally understood. She wasn't mad or hurt, she accepted that I had over-reacted and didn't dwell on the fact that I had snapped. 

You are not alone. You may feel that way now, and that's ok. But just know that when you recover, your nearest and dearest are still going to be there for you. 

Thousands upon thousands of people feel alone in a world full of people. It's ok to feel alone, but accept that you are not going to feel this way forever. 

As for today, I hope you have a lovely day beautiful people!

~ x X x~

Motivation

My "Dark Passenger" And Me.

Motivation.

Good morning everyone, I hope you are all well!

Do you ever wake up (or stay up in my case!) and convince yourself that you are going to do every chore under the sun today, because today is the day you are motivated?

I have had many of those days lately, unfortunately to no avail. Some days have been more productive than others, but those days are always shadowed by my "Dark Passenger".

Recently I have been feeling de-motivated, in absolutely all aspects of my life. My work has suffered from it, as has my social life, my home life and my relationships.

It almost feels like you are being pushed back down. You're trying to get out of bed/off the couch and physically do the things that you need to do throughout the day, but there is some sort of 'force' weighing on your body and you Just. Can't. Get. Up.

Motivation to go out is a subject which is quite raw for me. My friends and family all know how much I enjoy their company. It's not as if I don't want to go out and see them. I do. I really, really do! In this case there are a few things that I would like to point out. That 'force' I mentioned earlier is part of the problem, but there are other reasons why I feel the need to isolate myself. Partly because I don't want to turn up and feel like I am pulling everyone down with me. I can put on a face, a smile, a laugh, but those who are closest to me can see right through that. That's when the anxiety starts. The questions. "What's wrong?" "Why are you being so quiet?" "Why are you so sad? This is supposed to be happy!" The attention being put on me gives me such a fear I can't even put it into words. As I have said in previous posts, I find it very difficult to explain how I feel. Face to face anyway. Sometimes it's just easier to deal with the "How come you didn't come round the other day?" types of questions than the alternative.

Not feeling able to do the chores around the house are something that I struggle to comprehend. I used to be so tidy. I used to want everything in its rightful place, proud of my surroundings, but now? I tire so quickly. One load of washing and I need a break. I know these things need done, and I actively want to do them, it just feels like such an effort - like running a marathon. Of course, this leads to mess building up, which results in more chores needing done, and so continues the vicious circle.

This, in turn, effects my relationship with Dave. He gets fed up because neither of us are feeling motivated enough to do any work around the house. We start to tidy, get tired out, give up. The next day will probably be the same. And the day after that. And the day after that. We end up sniping at each other and blaming each other and this causes our relationship damage. Stupid, little, small things that could be quite easily be changed if we just had the motivation to so so!

I suppose the one thing I have learned over the years is that motivation is a working progress. It takes time to build back up again to where you were before. Don't take on a mountain when you haven't even climbed the hill.

One step at a time, I will get back there. Day by day, hour by hour if that's what it takes.

Today for example, I plan to do the washing. Small, but significant. I have uni work to do as well, so will hopefully get around to that in between the loads.

One small step for man and all that jazz!

As for just now, I hope you have a lovely day beautiful people!

~ x X x~

Sleep

My "Dark Passenger" And Me.

Sleep.

Good evening/morning all! I hope you are all well! 

So, it seems that my first post has gone alright, which is good, seeing as I'm a 'Blog Virgin'! 

I said in my first post that I have spent all day in bed today and I feel I should elaborate on that, considering some of my close family and friends are supporting me through this. 

Today I have been having a "down day" (as I describe it). I woke up at 5am this morning feeling very sick and had to run to the toilet to throw up. I was up and down from 5am until around 11am being sick then spent the rest of the day half feeling sorry for myself and half not really wanting to see anyone. 

I currently stay with my partner, Dave, who teaches guitar (check out DLM Industries on Facebook!) and there were people coming in and out of the house all day, which kind of went in my favour, as it was an excuse to hide myself away in the bedroom. 

I have spent a majority of my day either sleeping/over-thinking - which I think are 2 issues I have struggled with for many years, specifically since I qualified as a Mental Health Nurse in 2010.

Right now, I am going through a phase of not sleeping at night - whether this is due to over-thinking or genuinely not being tired is debatable. I am also currently having problems with my knee and back, which also may be playing a part in frequently waking up during the night. 

I have been to the doctors regarding this and have tried every trick under the sun! Medication had no effect, neither has milky drinks, appliances being turned off, deep breathing, exercise, writing my thoughts down etc. etc. etc. 

Again, everyone is different, so trying to suggest a strategy to tackle this problem is essentially like telling a monkey, and elephant and a horse to climb a tree! 

My plan for the next few days is to try to go to bed and sleep and re-set my body clock. Obviously this will not happen overnight (pun intended!) but the sheer fact that I am acknowledging the problem leads me to believe that I am aware something needs to change. 

It, unfortunately, is just one of those things. One of those phases I go through every few months, same as my 'down days' come and go in phases. 

This, however, can make it èxtremely difficult to maintain work, relationships and friendships as well as making day to day tasks difficult to manage. 

Relationships are so fragile and it doesn't take much to rock the boat. I worry frequently about the effects of my "Dark Passenger" on my friends and family, particularly Dave, who is going through a tough time himself. 

Dave, although struggling through his own problems, always tells me to be open and honest with him. And I am, as much as I feel I can be. I'll tell him I'm having a 'down day' and he tends to leave me to it, with occasional cuddles and kisses for reassurance. I feel this is best for both of us because I don't want to burden him, but don't want him to worry that I'm shutting him out. Telling him I'm having a 'down day' makes him aware of my mood. Him leaving me to it is best for me, because I find it difficult to explain how I feel. Me trying to describe my feelings can often make me feel more anxious, so I would rather work through this on my own. It also means that he's not feeling frustrated with me for not being able to explain.

Friends and Family. Now here's a tricky one. Some understand, some don't. It can be so infuriating to be told "I don't understand why you're so sad, you've got everything!" I know I have a huge amount more than some people, and I am grateful for everything I have. But none of that matters when it comes to Mental Health. As I said in my previous post, it doesn't discriminate. 

I often feel guilty for being like this. I feel awful for my friends and family who have to see me isolate myself. It can be so difficult to explain that sometimes, when I am having 'down days' I need to be on my own. The idea that I am burdening them with my problems is terrifying to me. I want to be able to tell them that I love them but they need to give me some space. When I feel more aware of my situation, I will begin to build myself back up again. But in order for me to do that, I need to have time to process my emotions and work through the darkness. 

I think I am beginning to get more emotional during my rambles, which I don't want to happen as I would like this blog to be more informative than emotional, so on that note...

As for tonight, sleep sweet beautiful people!

~ x X x ~

Introductions.

My "Dark Passenger" And Me.

Introductions.

Hello everyone! Well, before I start rambling on, I would just like to say thank you for reading and please, be kind. This is my first ever blog and am still figuring out how it works and whatnot, so if anyone has any suggestions or feedback, please feel free to comment or drop me an email!

I suppose I had better give an introduction about myself, why I decided to create a blog, and my reasoning behind such a "dark" name! 

My name is Susan Inglis. I am 26 and am a Mental Health/Learning Disabilities Nurse. I have been suffering from Depression from the age of 13 and continue to have 'spells' throughout my adult life.

I have been pondering for a while now whether creating a blog would be beneficial, or detrimental to myself. My brother, David, who has a very interesting blog, discussed this with me today and helped me to weigh up the pros and cons of creating such a blog.

I decided that today was the day, seeing as I am currently having a 'down' day and have spent my entire day in bed.

The reason for the "Dark" name is simple. Everyone's experience of Depression is different. A helpful way to recover is to name the problem, that way it becomes more humane than problematic. That, and I love the programme Dexter! :p

I am a great believer in "The More You Know, The More You Understand" approach, I feel that sharing my experiences, emotions, thoughts and opinions will help me to recover, but also help others who may read this and realise that they are not alone! Depression effects 1 in 4 adults. That statistic alone is terrifying. A lot of people go through life fighting Depression and they don't even realise it.

There are also different types of Depression, which not many people know about.

Situational Depression - when a particular situation you are in affects your mood in a negative way. A majority of the population have gone through this without realising.

Atypical Depression - this, as well as affecting your mood, can also affect your body. Some symptoms include heavy limbs, tiredness/fatigue and oversleeping.

Then you've got the biggie, Clinical Depression. This, unfortunately, is what I have. Much like any Mental Illness, you can't just "get over" Clinical Depression. You never "get better". It is a life-long condition. Yes, you can go through recovery and have episodes of "being happy", but it never goes away. It can strike wherever, whenever, and to whoever it likes.

This is what frustrates me so much about stigma. There are so many negative ideations about people who suffer from Mental Health problems. What? Do you think because you're a manager of a high-end company that you can escape it? Mental Illness does not discriminate. It doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, or what you do.

Anyway, that's perhaps for a different entry. I just thought I would give a little information as to what this blog is going to be about.

So that's me, Susi/Susiru, 26 years old, suffering from Clinical Depression and trying to shed some light on myself and others!

Feel free to share, comment or send me a message, I would really appreciate some feedback!

As for tonight, sleep sweet beautiful people.

~ x X x ~