My "Dark Passenger" And Me.
Motivation.
Good morning everyone, I hope you are all well!
Do you ever wake up (or stay up in my case!) and convince yourself that you are going to do every chore under the sun today, because today is the day you are motivated?
I have had many of those days lately, unfortunately to no avail. Some days have been more productive than others, but those days are always shadowed by my "Dark Passenger".
Recently I have been feeling de-motivated, in absolutely all aspects of my life. My work has suffered from it, as has my social life, my home life and my relationships.
It almost feels like you are being pushed back down. You're trying to get out of bed/off the couch and physically do the things that you need to do throughout the day, but there is some sort of 'force' weighing on your body and you Just. Can't. Get. Up.
Motivation to go out is a subject which is quite raw for me. My friends and family all know how much I enjoy their company. It's not as if I don't want to go out and see them. I do. I really, really do! In this case there are a few things that I would like to point out. That 'force' I mentioned earlier is part of the problem, but there are other reasons why I feel the need to isolate myself. Partly because I don't want to turn up and feel like I am pulling everyone down with me. I can put on a face, a smile, a laugh, but those who are closest to me can see right through that. That's when the anxiety starts. The questions. "What's wrong?" "Why are you being so quiet?" "Why are you so sad? This is supposed to be happy!" The attention being put on me gives me such a fear I can't even put it into words. As I have said in previous posts, I find it very difficult to explain how I feel. Face to face anyway. Sometimes it's just easier to deal with the "How come you didn't come round the other day?" types of questions than the alternative.
Not feeling able to do the chores around the house are something that I struggle to comprehend. I used to be so tidy. I used to want everything in its rightful place, proud of my surroundings, but now? I tire so quickly. One load of washing and I need a break. I know these things need done, and I actively want to do them, it just feels like such an effort - like running a marathon. Of course, this leads to mess building up, which results in more chores needing done, and so continues the vicious circle.
This, in turn, effects my relationship with Dave. He gets fed up because neither of us are feeling motivated enough to do any work around the house. We start to tidy, get tired out, give up. The next day will probably be the same. And the day after that. And the day after that. We end up sniping at each other and blaming each other and this causes our relationship damage. Stupid, little, small things that could be quite easily be changed if we just had the motivation to so so!
I suppose the one thing I have learned over the years is that motivation is a working progress. It takes time to build back up again to where you were before. Don't take on a mountain when you haven't even climbed the hill.
One step at a time, I will get back there. Day by day, hour by hour if that's what it takes.
Today for example, I plan to do the washing. Small, but significant. I have uni work to do as well, so will hopefully get around to that in between the loads.
One small step for man and all that jazz!
As for just now, I hope you have a lovely day beautiful people!
~ x X x~
Do you ever wake up (or stay up in my case!) and convince yourself that you are going to do every chore under the sun today, because today is the day you are motivated?
I have had many of those days lately, unfortunately to no avail. Some days have been more productive than others, but those days are always shadowed by my "Dark Passenger".
Recently I have been feeling de-motivated, in absolutely all aspects of my life. My work has suffered from it, as has my social life, my home life and my relationships.
It almost feels like you are being pushed back down. You're trying to get out of bed/off the couch and physically do the things that you need to do throughout the day, but there is some sort of 'force' weighing on your body and you Just. Can't. Get. Up.
Motivation to go out is a subject which is quite raw for me. My friends and family all know how much I enjoy their company. It's not as if I don't want to go out and see them. I do. I really, really do! In this case there are a few things that I would like to point out. That 'force' I mentioned earlier is part of the problem, but there are other reasons why I feel the need to isolate myself. Partly because I don't want to turn up and feel like I am pulling everyone down with me. I can put on a face, a smile, a laugh, but those who are closest to me can see right through that. That's when the anxiety starts. The questions. "What's wrong?" "Why are you being so quiet?" "Why are you so sad? This is supposed to be happy!" The attention being put on me gives me such a fear I can't even put it into words. As I have said in previous posts, I find it very difficult to explain how I feel. Face to face anyway. Sometimes it's just easier to deal with the "How come you didn't come round the other day?" types of questions than the alternative.
Not feeling able to do the chores around the house are something that I struggle to comprehend. I used to be so tidy. I used to want everything in its rightful place, proud of my surroundings, but now? I tire so quickly. One load of washing and I need a break. I know these things need done, and I actively want to do them, it just feels like such an effort - like running a marathon. Of course, this leads to mess building up, which results in more chores needing done, and so continues the vicious circle.
This, in turn, effects my relationship with Dave. He gets fed up because neither of us are feeling motivated enough to do any work around the house. We start to tidy, get tired out, give up. The next day will probably be the same. And the day after that. And the day after that. We end up sniping at each other and blaming each other and this causes our relationship damage. Stupid, little, small things that could be quite easily be changed if we just had the motivation to so so!
I suppose the one thing I have learned over the years is that motivation is a working progress. It takes time to build back up again to where you were before. Don't take on a mountain when you haven't even climbed the hill.
One step at a time, I will get back there. Day by day, hour by hour if that's what it takes.
Today for example, I plan to do the washing. Small, but significant. I have uni work to do as well, so will hopefully get around to that in between the loads.
One small step for man and all that jazz!
As for just now, I hope you have a lovely day beautiful people!
~ x X x~
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