Pressure

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Pressure

Good morning everyone, I hope you are all well.

Apologies for the quiet spell over the last few days, Dave's sister was getting Married on Monday and as you can imagine, they have been rather eventful to say the least!

Which actually nicely leads me onto my next post - Pressure.

Now, we all have different pressures in every day life - work, home life, family, friends, relationships. The list could go on and on, and everyone, no matter who you are, will have been overwhelmed by pressures in their lives at one point or another. This is perfectly natural and can be overcome with some time and relaxation.

For people who suffer with Depression, every day pressures can become magnified and attempting to juggle numerous issues at one time can seem impossible.

Recently at work, my team have been under a significant amount of pressure. Obviously, due to legalities, I cannot explain the depth of these matters on here, but I am able to say that I have been struggling to keep myself as calm and collected as I should be. 

Outside of work, as I have mentioned in previous posts, life at home has been equally stressful. Dave and I have been fighting our own demons for some time and that appears to have caught up with us. 

I have lost all of my confidence and trust in my own abilities. What kind of Mental Health Nurse can struggle to the degree that I am struggling with? Surely I advise people day to day on how to cope with pressure and stress, why am I unable to take my own advice?

Have you ever heard the phrase "Doctors/Nurses make the worst patients"? It could not ring more true. 

I Cannot speak for everyone of course - but I do have some insight into my illness. I can tell that I am in need of support. It's a shame that it has gotten to this point before I recognised this, but I suppose that is the stubbornness in me. I felt like I was a failure if I saught help. Which really is silly considering I have been on antidepressants for years, have seen counsellors and have been to therapies before. But this time it felt so different. 

I realise now that I overwhelmed myself with a lot of things on purpose, to try and distract myself from the original problem - me.

I bought a house, I went on holiday, I got myself into a financial predicament, I stopped seeing my friends and family, I tried to 'fix' Dave on my own - all because I couldn't handle the fact that I, myself, was on a downwards spiral, and I didn't want to have to deal with that again. 

Owning a house is a fantastic achievement and I worked hard to be able to save enough to do so. For that, I am proud, but I bit off more than I could chew. I wasn't prepared. With a house, comes responsibility, house work, repairs, bills... I thought that I was ready for such a challenge - I wasn't. 

I planned finances down to a T - including the unlikely/unfortunate event that Dave and I split. I figured out that my wage alone could cover the bills and mortgage and I got myself a credit card to build a positive credit rating, using it only for petrol and paying it off the day after the purchase.

Things were going swimmingly until - for reasons I cannot go into - Dave and I began to struggle financially. We started to use the credit card more and more, and before we knew it, we had gotten into a large amount of debt, which continued to build with interest.

So, stresses at work, stresses at home obviously flooded into my relationship. Dave and I started to bicker more and more, to the point where we would not want to be together. He spent a lot of time engrossed in his music, and I, spent a lot of time in bed or on the couch appearing to be watching the television, however, my mind was not focussing on that. It was going round and round ways to fix things. 

The house started to get messy - to the point where I was actually embarrassed if people came around. This probably showed and friends probably began to feel uneasy around Dave and I due to the tension and the mess.

I didn't want to see people because I was so upset with myself. Although Dave would encourage me to go out and see people, I couldn't see it doing me or them any favours, so I cancelled plans. 

I had mentioned to my nearest and dearest about our financial struggles, but hadn't told anyone the full extent of the problems we were facing. Until, one way or another, my parents found out.

Eventually I broke down. I told them everything - as much as I wanted to to hold back, I knew there was no point in hiding any more. They needed to see the whole picture - Mental Health and all. 

I took some sick leave from work to sort myself out. As I explained, my mind wasn't in the job. I had lost faith in myself and my confidence was shattered. I was in no fit state to be looking after others. 

Dave also broke down. He got himself to the doctors, took some time off work and is also on the mend.

Sometimes you just don't realise how deep you are until you are pulled out.

What a weirdly enlightening experience this has been for me. I am now in the process of recovery. I am lucky to have such supportive family and friends who are helping me to build myself back to what I was. 

Pressures of every day life can seem so big when trying to manage alone. Try to open up. It doesn't need to be to everyone, just to one person. Seek help from your GP. They are not going to judge you for struggling to cope, they don't get paid for that. They get paid to help people. There are a lot of ways to mend yourself - counselling, talking therapies, CBT, medication etc. But I do have to say, what worked for me, may not work for you. Everyone is different and respond to different things. It doesn't need to be just one either, a combination of things can help with certain situations. The main thing I suggest is - Seek help. A problem shared truly is a problem halved.

This has been a reasonably tough thing to have to open up about, and I truly appreciate all of those who are reading this and sharing/commenting. To know that I have made the smallest bit of difference to someone else is humbling. For that, I am eternally grateful.

As for now, I hope you all have a lovely day beautiful people!

~ x X x ~