Loneliness

 My "Dark Passenger" And Me.

Loneliness.

Good afternoon beautiful people, I hope we are all well!

Today I decided to discuss the loneliness you develop when you suffer from Depression. This is something that is truly close to my heart as I know many others feel this way too, and I wanted to express that you are not alone. You may feel lonely and isolated, but believe me, you're not the first, and definitely won't be the last, to feel this way. 

I sometimes feel completely detached from society - like nobody sees the world the way I do. Everything seems to have a blue tint to it, things that people say to me are taken out of context and analysed then I begin to feel even more alone.

I suppose this may be to do with my training. I am trained to analyse sentences in a different way than it is portrayed - see the bigger picture - but when you are constantly feeling the negative effects of Depression, suddenly everything said to you has a nasty context. 

I take what people say and think way too much about it. Why have they said that? That's not a nice thing to say! I feel like I have no support from the ones I love, when realistically, I am twisting what they say in my own warped mind and plastering my negative emotions onto it.

This is when you start to feel alone. No one wants to be friends with someone who always sees the bad in people. No one wants to be around someone who constantly sees the world for what it is. You know those rose tinted glasses everyone goes on about? Flip that into a bluish black colour, that's what you're looking out of. (I realise that means average sunglasses, but think about the metaphor!)

Understandably when I am having my 'down days' I tend to snap at my family and friends when talking to them as I am not seeing what they're saying for what it is. People get hurt. I hate that. I hate that I hurt people when I am like this, and that's why I try to hide myself away. 

I don't mean to freeze them out, I just don't want to hurt them.

It does take me a few days (and a lot of Disney!) to get over this and see the sentences for what they really are. That's when I start to apologise. I'm sorry for snapping. I'm sorry for being so horrible. I'm sorry for being this way. 

I NEVER want to be the person that upsets others - that's not who I am. I don't mean to hurt people. I have not a malicious bone in my body. I have been brought up to respect and appreciate people. But I can't respect/appreciate myself. 

I suppose all that I can suggest here is to acknowledge your illness. Know what it means to feel extra sensitive and voice that to your nearest and dearest. Tell them that you are feeling like this before reading too much into the conversation. If you are feeling low and people are messaging you here there and everywhere and you KNOW that it's going to get on top of you, simply don't answer. People are not expecting an answer right away (and if they do, they're being unrealistic!) Give yourself time. Time to process how you are feeling, time to think of an action plan. Time to answer in an appropriate manner without snapping.

The best example I have of this is my dear wonderful mother, who I absolutely idolise. Recently, when I got accepted into a uni course which I was very excited about. She texted me and said something along the lines of "Looks good. Hard work though. Xxx" I took that as - I am not capable of doing the course, It is too much for me to handle. Of COURSE! She didn't mean it in that way, and I snapped at her. It took me a few hours to realise what I had done, and when I apologised and explained how I was feeling, she totally understood. She wasn't mad or hurt, she accepted that I had over-reacted and didn't dwell on the fact that I had snapped. 

You are not alone. You may feel that way now, and that's ok. But just know that when you recover, your nearest and dearest are still going to be there for you. 

Thousands upon thousands of people feel alone in a world full of people. It's ok to feel alone, but accept that you are not going to feel this way forever. 

As for today, I hope you have a lovely day beautiful people!

~ x X x~