Panic Attacks

My 'Dark Passenger' And Me

Panic Attacks.

Good evening everyone, I hope we are all well. 

This post was going to be on stigma attached to Mental Health Conditions, however, after having a severe panic attack recently and after having discussed this with a few people I felt that this may be more beneficial right now. 

I have had a fair whack of these and they can be completely paralysing. I can count on my hand the 3 most traumatic attacks and 2 of them were work related. 

The most recent was the reason I posted my apology a few weeks ago. 

As I have already mentioned, I have been off work for a while now due to stress and the aim of this time off was to try and help me get myself back to where I was. Weird as it sounds coming from a Mental Health Nurse I seem to have this uncontrollable need to help others with their problems (I know, right?!) and as much as this is the key reason I wanted to be a Nurse, it is also a bit of a flaw. I can't seem to turn off this part of my brain, and even though I want to make myself better and KNOW I need to give myself some time, I can't help but be drawn to those in need. 

The previous month was meant to be about me getting better and it just turned into me putting my own problems on hold and focussing on helping others. 

The night I had the panic attack there were a few people who had approached me for advice. Unbeknown to them, Dave and I had had a disagreement of sorts and I could feel myself welling up, putting huge amounts of pressure on myself and quite simply exploding.

I ended up having a huge melt down. It started with being unable to catch my breath. My heart started to race and for some reason I felt extremely fearful. It felt like there was a hard ball in my chest and with every tear I faught off, the ball was getting bigger and bigger, pushing down on my heart and my lungs. My head started to pound, I could feel the sweat pouring off me and then it happened. I just exploded. What I can only describe as a whole lot of verbal diarrhoea spurted out of my mouth. 

At first it was sheer panic - I can't do this any more, I need to get away, I can't breathe, I need to go (where, I have no idea!) then came the anger towards others for not realising that I was struggling. The anger then turned to me for not telling people that I couldn't deal with more pressure right now. This quickly turned to guilt for being the way I was in front of Dave and for blaming other people when the person responsible is staring right back at me in the mirror. Lastly came the sorrow/hopelessness. I'm never going to get better, I might as well quit whilst I'm ahead. How am I going to help others if I can't help myself? 

I don't know how Dave managed to calm me down - if we're lucky he'll explain in the comments - it was all a bit of a blur to be honest. 

I posted the apology because I know that there are people who share some of the feeling I have described, and I didn't want them to think that I was giving up. It took me a while to realise it, but I am NOT giving up. 

I was down for a long time after that. I am grateful for my friends and family who realised that this was not because of them, I needed to be left alone. 

I needed time to get my head around what had happened and why. No-one intentionally put pressure on me but myself. I was deflecting. If I could help other people then I wouldn't have to deal with my own mess. I don't know how many times I have advised people to look after themselves before others. Dave explained it pretty accurately - it's like when you're on a plane and they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. If you don't, you could end up passing out and the others who needed help, won't get help. 

this habit I have of putting others before myself is a hard one to break, and I'm sure many of you will have similar problems. The main thing I have started to do is tell people that I don't think I am able to help them right now. You won't be seen as rude if you approach it right. All you have to say is "I'm sorry, but I can't think about this right now." THEY WILL UNDERSTAND! 

Before I go, I would just like to clarify that I am not angry at anyone. The stages I went through during the attack were just going through the motions. I love my friends and family dearly and am grateful that they have read my blog and have more of an understanding of what I am going through. 

For this evening though, I hope you have a wonderful evening beautiful people.

~ x X x ~

Myers - Briggs Test

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Myers-Briggs Test.

Myers-Briggs Test

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

INFJ

Introvert(11%)  iNtuitive(50%)  Feeling(38%)  Judging(33%)

• You have slight preference of Introversion over Extraversion (11%)
• You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (50%)
• You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (38%)
• You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (33%)

INFJ Description

by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn. 

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function). 

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings. 

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life.Those who are activists - INFJs gravitate toward such a role - are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden.They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress.INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless.The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led.These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time.Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Career Choices

INFJs are effective in occupations involving substantial intellectual work, caring for other people, and requiring creativity. INFJs build successful careers in a broad range of organizations. Social and community care services, counseling, teachers of humanities and social sciences, healthcare workers (both in administration and in medical services), various service-oriented professions as well as religious services and social movements are just some of the examples of occupations favourable to INFJs. Quite often they are found in mid-rank management positions. For some of them occupations in sciences or academia are also favourable.

INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging)
Pocahontas



Recognising that there are just as many different types of people as colors of the wind, you want to know what makes people tick and what motivates them. Observant and good-natured, you pay attention to others’ needs and let your counsel flow from your commitment to your firm values.

INFJ – The Counselor

What stresses out an INFJ:– Having to focus too much on sensory/concrete details
– An overload of sensory stimulation or noise
– Interruptions
– Distress within a close relationship
– Having their values violated
– Not enough alone time. Too much extraverting.
– Working with closed-minded people
– Lack of appreciation or understanding
– Unfamiliar environments with overwhelming amounts of details
– Having plans disrupted
– Not having a clear direction
– Lack of harmony
– Criticism and conflict
– Not being able to use their intuition or envision the future
– Having to focus too much on the present

When under stress, the INFJ feels fragmented or lost. They feel like they can’t be themselves, and feel an urge to act a part to “survive” or fit in. This disassociation can cause physical symptoms for the INFJ, like headaches, IBS, or nausea. The repressed feelings they’re holding onto can cause them to become immobilized. If they are under chronic extreme stress, they may fall into the grip of their inferior function, extraverted sensing. When this happens, they may engage in indulgent, self-destructive habits like binge-eating, cutting, over-exercising, alcoholism, or excessive pornography use. This often feels like an out-of-body experience to them. What they do provides no pleasure, but feels somewhat robotic and out of control. After this occurs, they dwell in self-hatred, falling even more into guilt over what they’ve done. They may become uncharacteristically angry and quick-tempered, unreasonable, and irrational. They may become obsessed with details in their outer world; obsessively cleaning or doing housework. They stumble over their words, and their intense feelings eventually lead them to a state of complete exhaustion.

How to help an INFJ experiencing stress:– Give them space.
– Reduce sensory stimulation; music, interruptions, TV, etc,..
– Let them express their thoughts and feelings.
– Understand that they may be irrational. Don’t judge them.
– Don’t give advice. This will only stress them out further.
– Let them take a break from some of their responsibilities
– Encourage them to spend some time in nature, walking or reading a book.
– Take a walk with them if they want company.
– Encourage their less serious side, and let them relieve emotional tension by letting them cry through a sappy movie or novel of some sort.
– Be forgiving if they’ve been overly harsh or critical while under stress. Chances are, they will feel very guilty about it.

Self Harm

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Self Harm.

Good afternoon everyone, I hope we are all well.

I would like to say thank you for giving me some time to work on myself. I have been struggling over the last few months and needed some real alone time to figure out what was best for me, so thank you for giving that to me. 

This post is going to be on something that is very close to my heart - Self Harm.

When I was younger I used several different techniques to self harm. The traditional method which we have all probably seen (in ourselves or others) is cutting. 

It's a difficult feeling to explain - some people do it to punish themselves if they feel they have done wrong, some do it for some sort of release and some do it to remind themselves that they can feel (sometimes those suffering from depression describe themselves as 'numb' and unable to feel emotions). 

I have to say, when I was younger, my most frequent self harm was cutting on my arms, my stomach and my legs. Most of the time this was to punish myself (after an argument with someone close to me) but I also used to require some sort of release. It almost felt like the blood symbolised all of the emotions building up inside of me and when I cut myself those emotions seemed to pour away. 

There are other types of self harm which people may not be aware of as they are more difficult to pick up on and are more subtle. 

I used to pluck my eyebrows. Now, I know that sounds silly, but any woman will tell you that plucking isn't the most wonderful feeling in the world! I used to pluck my eyebrows so much that there was barely anything left to tweeze away. A thin line of hair that looked ridiculous but calmed me down ever so slightly.

Using nail clippers to cut nails (particularly toenails) too deep. This is something is used to do, and sometimes subconsciously still do when I am feeling tense. Easy to cover up, pain that lasts longer than a few minutes and again, some sort of weird release.

Anyone who knows me will be able to back me up here, but another behaviour I used to/and still do is chewing my fingers (the skin around my nails). I can't say for sure this was a method of self harm, because I continue with this behaviour even when I am well. However, when I am feeling particularly stressed or down, I chew on my fingers even more. This causes small cuts and I end up having to cover my fingers in plasters. Any nurse will tell you that they have a box somewhere for first aid, but my box is FILLED with plasters - an endless supply! 

I continued to struggle with these acts of self harm until I was halfway through university. I remember the night so vividly it actually makes my skin crawl thinking about it, but I feel I need to share this with you, because this was my turning point.

 I had been struggling immensely (emotionally for reasons I cannot go into) for a long time and everything seemed to magnify in my mind. My flat mates had convinced me to go out even though I was feeling pretty miserable and initially I seemed to perk up a little. However, all of a sudden I felt extremely claustrophobic. I was in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by people and I started to panic. The group of friends I was with were looking at me and I don't know whether this was in my mind or it was real, I could see them laughing at me. I ran away and my flat mates took me back to my flat. They were asking what was wrong but I couldn't explain and felt like everyone hated me because I had ruined the night. One of my flat mates said she was going to sleep in my bed with me as she felt that I was going to do something silly - she was right. In the middle of the night when she had fallen asleep, I took myself into the spare room armed with a kitchen knife and tablets and I did something I wish I had never done. I took a huge amount of tablets and began to cut. I passed out and I can't actually remember what happened next. I have foggy memories of my flat mates finding me and taking me to bed, but I can't remember much else. When I finally woke, it took me a long time to figure out what had happened and I apologised profusely to my flat mates, but I still felt empty. It was Dave who made me think. 

When I went home at the weekend it turned out I had been messaging him whilst doing this. He told me how scared he was and how bad he felt that he wasn't there for me and then he said something that haunted me. "What would I have done without you? What about your mum? Claire? Ali?" 

That was my turning point. I felt incredibly foolish and selfish for what I had done. He was, of course, right. I decided that I was not going to do this any more and in order to 1. Stop myself from self harming again and 2. Remind me of my recovery I got a tattoo on my go-to wrist (my right wrist - I'm left handed!) of purple flowers. They near enough cover the scars and are a reminder of how far I have come. Since that day I have never cut again and when I feel like I am struggling, I look at my tattoo and remember that conversation with Dave. 

I remember some techniques my counsellor gave me when I was a teenager which also helped, and in a way, this has led to me writing this blog. 

1. Ice - holding ice in your hand and letting it melt. Your mind is tricked into believing you are in pain because of the coldness and the 'release' can be felt when the ice melts and becomes smaller and smaller.

2. Ripping paper. I do this quite often. Ripping paper releases anger without hurting anyone (depending on the paper you are ripping!) and also gives you something to do with your hands so you are not focussing on cutting/plucking etc.

3. Writing things down. I used to write a diary on the computer. This got wiped when I moved to Uni, but I suppose, in a way, this is now my diary. It's a good way to relieve yourself of emotions, but also a good way to explain how you are feeling to others. Certain people got to see my dairy when I was a teenager when I felt that they needed to know how I was feeling. 

4. Using a pen instead of a blade. You still feel a bit of pain, but you're not actually cutting.

5. Exercise. Whenever you feel that you cannot cope - go for a walk. Take in the fresh air and the views around you. It's easy to forget that there's a whole world out there just waiting to be explored, you just need to take the first few steps.

6. An elastic band around your wrist. Pinging the elastic band can trick your brain into feeling the same pain from cutting without actually hurting yourself.

As I have said before, these are just suggestions that worked for me, but they may not work for you. Speak to your GP, they can suggest many other ways of releasing emotions without causing yourself or others pain. That's what they're there for, to advise. So don't feel that you will be judged for seeking help. Better you do that than end up in A&E.

I would just like to say thank you for reading. This has been quite a difficult piece to write without getting caught up in the emotions, so if there are any mistakes I do apologise. 

As for now, I hope you all have a lovely day beautiful people. 

~ x X X~

Apologies

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Apologies.

Good evening all, I hope you are all well.

I would just like to apologise for the lack of posting lately. 

As you all know, I have been fighting my own demons recently, and this week it seems to have gotten on top of me. 

I have been signed off work for a while now in order to focus on my recovery and getting myself better again, however, I feel that all I have done in this time is make others feel better. I have not had the time to focus on myself, and last night I felt as though everything I have been talking about through these posts just flooded and overwhelmed me.

Luckily Dave was there to calm me down, but all I wanted was to see my mum. 

This post isn't generally about discussing anything, more of an apology, as I know there are a few people following my blog and are expecting to see more posts from me.

Let me assure you, there will be more coming - My next post is going to be on Self-Harm, as this is a topic very close to my heart. So please, stay tuned.

All I ask is for a little bit of time to focus on my recovery.

For now, I hope you all have a wonderful evening beautiful people.

~ x X x ~