Self Harm

My "Dark Passenger" And Me

Self Harm.

Good afternoon everyone, I hope we are all well.

I would like to say thank you for giving me some time to work on myself. I have been struggling over the last few months and needed some real alone time to figure out what was best for me, so thank you for giving that to me. 

This post is going to be on something that is very close to my heart - Self Harm.

When I was younger I used several different techniques to self harm. The traditional method which we have all probably seen (in ourselves or others) is cutting. 

It's a difficult feeling to explain - some people do it to punish themselves if they feel they have done wrong, some do it for some sort of release and some do it to remind themselves that they can feel (sometimes those suffering from depression describe themselves as 'numb' and unable to feel emotions). 

I have to say, when I was younger, my most frequent self harm was cutting on my arms, my stomach and my legs. Most of the time this was to punish myself (after an argument with someone close to me) but I also used to require some sort of release. It almost felt like the blood symbolised all of the emotions building up inside of me and when I cut myself those emotions seemed to pour away. 

There are other types of self harm which people may not be aware of as they are more difficult to pick up on and are more subtle. 

I used to pluck my eyebrows. Now, I know that sounds silly, but any woman will tell you that plucking isn't the most wonderful feeling in the world! I used to pluck my eyebrows so much that there was barely anything left to tweeze away. A thin line of hair that looked ridiculous but calmed me down ever so slightly.

Using nail clippers to cut nails (particularly toenails) too deep. This is something is used to do, and sometimes subconsciously still do when I am feeling tense. Easy to cover up, pain that lasts longer than a few minutes and again, some sort of weird release.

Anyone who knows me will be able to back me up here, but another behaviour I used to/and still do is chewing my fingers (the skin around my nails). I can't say for sure this was a method of self harm, because I continue with this behaviour even when I am well. However, when I am feeling particularly stressed or down, I chew on my fingers even more. This causes small cuts and I end up having to cover my fingers in plasters. Any nurse will tell you that they have a box somewhere for first aid, but my box is FILLED with plasters - an endless supply! 

I continued to struggle with these acts of self harm until I was halfway through university. I remember the night so vividly it actually makes my skin crawl thinking about it, but I feel I need to share this with you, because this was my turning point.

 I had been struggling immensely (emotionally for reasons I cannot go into) for a long time and everything seemed to magnify in my mind. My flat mates had convinced me to go out even though I was feeling pretty miserable and initially I seemed to perk up a little. However, all of a sudden I felt extremely claustrophobic. I was in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by people and I started to panic. The group of friends I was with were looking at me and I don't know whether this was in my mind or it was real, I could see them laughing at me. I ran away and my flat mates took me back to my flat. They were asking what was wrong but I couldn't explain and felt like everyone hated me because I had ruined the night. One of my flat mates said she was going to sleep in my bed with me as she felt that I was going to do something silly - she was right. In the middle of the night when she had fallen asleep, I took myself into the spare room armed with a kitchen knife and tablets and I did something I wish I had never done. I took a huge amount of tablets and began to cut. I passed out and I can't actually remember what happened next. I have foggy memories of my flat mates finding me and taking me to bed, but I can't remember much else. When I finally woke, it took me a long time to figure out what had happened and I apologised profusely to my flat mates, but I still felt empty. It was Dave who made me think. 

When I went home at the weekend it turned out I had been messaging him whilst doing this. He told me how scared he was and how bad he felt that he wasn't there for me and then he said something that haunted me. "What would I have done without you? What about your mum? Claire? Ali?" 

That was my turning point. I felt incredibly foolish and selfish for what I had done. He was, of course, right. I decided that I was not going to do this any more and in order to 1. Stop myself from self harming again and 2. Remind me of my recovery I got a tattoo on my go-to wrist (my right wrist - I'm left handed!) of purple flowers. They near enough cover the scars and are a reminder of how far I have come. Since that day I have never cut again and when I feel like I am struggling, I look at my tattoo and remember that conversation with Dave. 

I remember some techniques my counsellor gave me when I was a teenager which also helped, and in a way, this has led to me writing this blog. 

1. Ice - holding ice in your hand and letting it melt. Your mind is tricked into believing you are in pain because of the coldness and the 'release' can be felt when the ice melts and becomes smaller and smaller.

2. Ripping paper. I do this quite often. Ripping paper releases anger without hurting anyone (depending on the paper you are ripping!) and also gives you something to do with your hands so you are not focussing on cutting/plucking etc.

3. Writing things down. I used to write a diary on the computer. This got wiped when I moved to Uni, but I suppose, in a way, this is now my diary. It's a good way to relieve yourself of emotions, but also a good way to explain how you are feeling to others. Certain people got to see my dairy when I was a teenager when I felt that they needed to know how I was feeling. 

4. Using a pen instead of a blade. You still feel a bit of pain, but you're not actually cutting.

5. Exercise. Whenever you feel that you cannot cope - go for a walk. Take in the fresh air and the views around you. It's easy to forget that there's a whole world out there just waiting to be explored, you just need to take the first few steps.

6. An elastic band around your wrist. Pinging the elastic band can trick your brain into feeling the same pain from cutting without actually hurting yourself.

As I have said before, these are just suggestions that worked for me, but they may not work for you. Speak to your GP, they can suggest many other ways of releasing emotions without causing yourself or others pain. That's what they're there for, to advise. So don't feel that you will be judged for seeking help. Better you do that than end up in A&E.

I would just like to say thank you for reading. This has been quite a difficult piece to write without getting caught up in the emotions, so if there are any mistakes I do apologise. 

As for now, I hope you all have a lovely day beautiful people. 

~ x X X~